Bad Ass Battle Unicorn

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badass battle unicorn

Things got weird in college

I only have a few wise gems to pass on to others, you know the type of knowledge you can really utilize to become a captain of industry. Since I have so few I hoard them selfishly. I’m like a giant dragon perched atop a (small)pile of gold in an indulgent and overproduced trilogy of films exploiting a much beloved work of fiction that my niece really loved but she wouldn’t listen to me when I attempted to explain how the producers are stretching the source material so thin that . . . oh sorry I got off track.

I’ll share this one gem with you, but only because it’s so valuable I feel it would be a sin for me to not pass it on to younger generations, like medical knowledge, or great art, or scathing reviews of Garden State.

At the art school I attended I was once given the assignment to paint an animal, any animal. I decided I wanted to paint a horse, as you do. In the midst of painting the horse I concluded he would be so much cooler if he was a unicorn. I did not want to paint a regular unicorn in some run of the mill majestic pose, because you see that all the time. Since I was an art student I wanted to be edgy and controversial so I painted a weaponized unicorn, which I knew would really tweak both the peace activists and the animal rights groups (I hear they are still grumbling about it to this day). I also decided that any weaponized battle unicorn worth his salt probably has a rider, and in all likelihood that rider is flaxen haired barbarian queen with armor designed by Victoria Secret (on sale this holiday season, click through the amazon link please).

Satisfied with my badass battle unicorn, I finished up and took my painting into class for critique.

I had a love hate relationship with my art classes. I loved going to them and drawing and painting all day, but my classmates usually hated my work during critique. They were never rude about it, you could just tell they weren’t fans. But I had a feeling that battle unicorn would turn thing around for me.

I unveiled Badass Unicorn to audible gasps of “neat” and “meh, I don’t hate it.” I basked in the glory of everyone in the room knowing the painting was awesome and no one having a critique that could knock me out of my ivory tower from where I sat and silently judged those who didn’t have paintings of weaponized unicorns. The instructor, who I think was secretly a hippy, fumed in impotent rage until she could stand it no longer and finally quipped, “It looks great but the proportions are a little off as the rider is too small compared to the unicorn.”

I knew this was coming from a very dark place of jealousy and I wasn’t going to allow this assault on Battle Unicorn to stand. I replied, “Oh well that’s because unicorns are actually larger than regular horses.” The instructor shut her dumb mouth after that, knowing I had vanquished her. Who could argue with my logic? Unicorns are fictional animals so maybe the average unicorn is larger than the average horse. There was no current authority on the subject, so I proclaimed myself the authority and won the day.

In simpler terms I will sum up my wise lesson as this: Sometimes you can BS your way out of a pinch.